I did it again. I disappeared. I don’t know what happens. I get in these … moods, I guess. I am not depressed or angry or fatalistic. I just feel like I am so busy (I’m really not). I feel like I am behind on everything, scrambling to keep up, and out of control. And when I feel like that, I don’t write. I barely even think. I just trudge through my daily routine without really paying attention to my life, like I am on auto-pilot. Not good – for me or my diet.
Of course I have opportunities to get caught up. In fact, just this weekend I whiled away the hours on FB and TV while the dishes sat in the sink, the carpet has more cat hair than the cat, and my closet looks like an explosion at Lane Bryant. But there I sat, or laid, on the sofa watching movies. Oh I got a few things done, I always do – whatever is absolutely necessary. I finally cleaned the kitchen, including the sticky floor, I washed and changed the sheets, and spic-n-spanned the bathroom. But to feel like my life is in order and I am in control of my choices I should have done much more, including made my lunch for today and tomorrow. Now instead of eating healthy meals that I prepared myself, I will buy something more expensive and less nutritious, all the while the delicious organic fruits and vegetables I bought will rot in my fridge.
These are the times when I hear my mother’s voice in my head telling me not to be so lazy. LAZY, I hate that word. It has such tremendous weight for me. Growing up, lazy was one of the worst things a person could be (the other was a liar). And in my family, I was the only lazy one. Everyone else took care of their duties/chores thoroughly and in a timely manner. Not me, I was always trying to get out of mundane duties, or at least postpone them. But if there was something new and exciting, I was the first in line. If it is something I want to do, god help the person who tries to stand in my way. Then, lazy is the antithesis of my behaviour.
The mundane never held any interest for me. I always imagined, from the time I was a small child, that my life would be extraordinary. That I would be a unique leader in this world. I often pictured myself in foreign lands participating in exclusive events. At the height of the designer jeans craze, I would practice my signature for the tag on my hot new line of jeans like Gloria Vanderbilt, and dresses like Diane von Furstenberg. In my early teens I would practice my appearance on The Tonight Show, laughing and joking with Johnny about my amazing life.
So how did I end up here; fat, old, and boring? Maybe the bigger questions is, Where will I go from here? Yeah, that’s what I need to do, focus on moving forward, not regret. I cannot change the last 30 years. I can affect the next 30 – and I want them to be wonderful. Full of vitality, excitement, accomplishments, and most of all overflowing with love. Now, how do I do that?