I did it again. I disappeared. I don’t know what happens. I get in these … moods, I guess. I am not depressed or angry or fatalistic. I just feel like I am so busy (I’m really not). I feel like I am behind on everything, scrambling to keep up, and out of control. And when I feel like that, I don’t write. I barely even think. I just trudge through my daily routine without really paying attention to my life, like I am on auto-pilot. Not good – for me or my diet.

Of course I have opportunities to get caught up. In fact, just this weekend I whiled away the hours on FB and TV while the dishes sat in the sink, the carpet has more cat hair than the cat, and my closet looks like an explosion at Lane Bryant. But there I sat, or laid, on the sofa watching movies. Oh I got a few things done, I always do – whatever is absolutely necessary. I finally cleaned the kitchen, including the sticky floor, I washed and changed the sheets, and spic-n-spanned the bathroom. But to feel like my life is in order and I am in control of my choices I should have done much more, including made my lunch for today and tomorrow. Now instead of eating healthy meals that I prepared myself, I will buy something more expensive and less nutritious, all the while the delicious organic fruits and vegetables I bought will rot in my fridge.

These are the times when I hear my mother’s voice in my head telling me not to be so lazy. LAZY, I hate that word. It has such tremendous weight for me. Growing up, lazy was one of the worst things a person could be (the other was a liar). And in my family, I was the only lazy one. Everyone else took care of their duties/chores thoroughly and in a timely manner. Not me, I was always trying to get out of mundane duties, or at least postpone them. But if there was something new and exciting, I was the first in line. If it is something I want to do, god help the person who tries to stand in my way. Then, lazy is the antithesis of my behaviour.

The mundane never held any interest for me. I always imagined, from the time I was a small child, that my life would be extraordinary. That I would be a unique leader in this world. I often pictured myself in foreign lands participating in exclusive events. At the height of the designer jeans craze, I would practice my signature for the tag on my hot new line of jeans like Gloria Vanderbilt, and dresses like Diane von Furstenberg. In my early teens I would practice my appearance on The Tonight Show, laughing and joking with Johnny about my amazing life.

So how did I end up here; fat, old, and boring? Maybe the bigger questions is, Where will I go from here? Yeah, that’s what I need to do, focus on moving forward, not regret. I cannot change the last 30 years. I can affect the next 30 – and I want them to be wonderful. Full of vitality, excitement, accomplishments, and most of all overflowing with love. Now, how do I do that?

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I didn’t get any sleep last night – literally. I went out with friends, got home about 10:30, and into bed around midnight. I laid there all night without falling asleep. I just keep breathing deep, trying to relax and drift off, but it never happened. The cat thought it was great, because I kept petting him.

I am supposed to go to the theatre with friends tonight, and drinks afterward. I don’t know how I am going to make it.

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Up Next …

I can’t believe it’s been two weeks since my last post. I have been hanging on by my fingernails these last two weeks. I’m still not feeling quite like myself; I have yet another doctor’s appointment on Monday. Maybe this is just how I am going to feel for a while, maybe it’s nothing more than typical aging and hormones adjusting. The worst part is, I’m not sleeping. I finally asked the doctor for a prescription for Ambien, and while it helps me to fall asleep, I still wake up about 2 am and have troubling falling back to sleep. I just want to feel better!

My eating has been all over the place I’ve been eating wheat and sugar, even though I committed to not eating those things. My quantities of food are okay, but I have to stay away from cheese – any kind of cheese. If it is in the house, I eat it. So I don’t bring it in the house and I avoid it when eating out. In fact I just got back from lunch at the Wholefoods buffet, and I did not take even a smidge of their mac ‘n cheese (which is delicious). Instead I had curried pork, ratatouille, and pickled cucumbers. I know it sounds like and odd combination but each of them was delicious and now I am stuffed :-)

Tonight after work I am going down to my parents’ house to say goodbye to my uncle. His recovery is going very smoothly and he is leaving tomorrow. He will receive his follow up treatment of chemo and radiation at home on Maui. Unfortunately the prognosis isn’t good. The doctors expect the melanoma to return; sooner rather than later. So this could be the last time I ever see him. It’s very sad. What’s worse is that I feel bad because I don’t feel sadder. Unfortunately we’ve never had a very close relationship (his doing), so it’s kind of weird. If the whole health crisis hadn’t happened while he was visiting us on vacation, I might not even be aware of it, let alone be so involved.

My emotions are all over the place and I am trying to process them without food. But I am finding that I am not actually dealing with them. I feel stifled. I keep catching myself breathing very shallow, squinting, hunching, my mind wandering. I am letting the emotions get the better of me. Although they aren’t making me eat (and for that I am grateful), they are still affecting me adversely. Maybe I will have a weeping session with Margaret on Monday. I will tell her that I need to deal with these feelings and she can walk me through a meditation, which usually ends with me in tears. 

I need to take care of me and make sure that I continue down this productive path of recovery. No old behaviors or coping mechanisms are going to help here. I’m beyond that now, I’m just not sure what’s next.

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Who Me?

I feel … weird.

I’m not quite sure what it is, but I feel not quite myself. This morning on the way to work I realized that I feel very depressed. There are so many variables at play right now, that I cannot be sure what is causing the issue.

Could it be lack of sleep, one of my 2 new medications, my hormone imbalance, the stress about my uncle, the running all over town with family visiting my uncle, the looming doom at work, or something more deep-rooted, like my utter disappointment that I never had a family.

My weird feelings have affected my eating. For the most part, I am still doing well, and following my plan. In fact yesterday I had a chance to have pizza and some sweets and I thought, “ug, that will make me feel bad. I’m not going to eat that.” and instead I had some nuts and fruit when I got home. Which not only made me feel better, it was actually more satisfying. But while things are on track most of the time, there are those times when I completely lose it, and I am disappointed because those moments had become less frequent and now they are more frequent again. I have eaten more than I should have, of something off-plan, and then purged about a half a dozen times in the last week. I hate doing that. I hate giving into temptation and eating crap, and I hate the purging that sometimes follows. Sometimes I purge just to be rid of the calories, but usually I feel the need for physical relief of the yucky feeling I have from eating what I did. Either I am too full, or the sugar/fat has made me extremely nauseous.

Whatever is happening, I don’t like it. I feel out of control and like I am back-sliding. I just got off the phone with Margaret and made an appointment for Monday.

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Any Which Way

What a glorious day. My uncle had his brain surgery yesterday and they removed all of the troublesome tumor, with no side effects to his vision, speech, or mobility. Yeah! The other tumor is small and on his frontal lobe so they will treat it with radiation. He should live a long and healthy life.

The silver lining to my uncle’s medical emergency happening while visiting us here in Florida, is that I have gotten reacquainted with all my cousins. The other unanticipated side effect, is that with all the stress, I have lost 3 pounds so far this week. Hey, I’ll take ‘em any way I can get ‘em. ;-)

My eating has been pretty good. Even yesterday when I went to Five Guys, I got a single hamburger and only ate half the bun and half the fries. All in all, not bad.

I had to cancel my appointment with Margaret yesterday, but I feel like I have made so much progress with her. The other day I stopped and got 3 chocolate milkshakes for my uncle and cousins and I wasn’t tempted or tormented at all. I chose not to have a milkshake and so I didn’t feel like I had to resist the urge to have one. I am so grateful for that peace of mind. I do realize though that I am not completely “healed” and that I still must be mindful of every food choice, and that at some time in my future I will want to stay away from a particular food but then go ahead and eat it anyway – that is what compulsives do.

For now, I am feeling relief, peace, and exhaustion.

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What A Difference A Day Makes

Today is a rough day. 48 hours ago, I thought the toughest thing about this week was going to be trying to lose weight by weigh-in on Saturday considering I had pizza on Tuesday. Unfortunately that “problem” now seems like a silly joke.

I spent my birthday (Saturday), celebrating with my family. Including my great-aunt and uncle from Sarasota, and my uncle from Maui. He didn’t fly in for my birthday, but I sure was glad that his trip coincided with it. We spent the whole day laughing and reminiscing while swimming in the pool and enjoying delicious grilled chicken.

My uncle is staying with my folks, he’s dad’s brother, and I went over there again for more family time on Sunday. Then he took us all out to dinner on Monday. He wanted a whole Maine lobster, something he cannot get on Maui. Tuesday night, my sister and her husband decided to treat us all to New York style pizza, another thing my uncle cannot get on Maui. We were sitting around Tuesday night having a wonderful time, when he mentioned that he’d had a terrible headache for a couple of days and some blurry vision. We all expressed concern, and he said he would visit the doctor when he got home to Maui. But things progressed and overnight he went to the hospital where tests revealed 2 metastatic tumors on his brain.

OMG, Tuesday night we’re eating pizza and laughing, and Wednesday morning he’s fighting for his life. I’m getting all my information third hand but the prognosis isn’t good. This is his fourth bout with melanoma, and he isn’t optimistic. It’s all so tragic, I can’t stop crying. I’m here at work getting things done, but every time I stop to think, I burst into tears.

Still, I am trying to stay on my food plan, even though I did throw up a little after lunch (it’s just too much emotionally). Usually under stress, I revert back to very bad eating habits; like ice cream and hoagies. But no amount of ice cream will extend my uncle’s life – if only the solution were that simple; I would gladly sacrifice the pounds.

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Make A Wish

Saturday was my birthday. I did the obligatory wishing on a candle and blowing it out, but my feelings about the whole thing were mixed.

Normally I hate to be such a pessimist, but there is something about big annual events, like my birthday, that make me reflect on my life. I take a long-view of what has transpired and what is to come, and I can’t say that I am really thrilled with what I see right now. This year was worse than usual because it seems that I am beginning menopause, and it aint good. First I have to accept that I am really that old. Sheesh, how did that happen? Second, I have to face the fact that I will never have children. Of course I realize that I passed childbearing age a long time ago, but it was still a possibility – no matter how remote. Now, all hope is gone. Thirdly, my hormones are so out of whack that I feel awful most of the time. I am not my usual perky self. Instead I am tired, irritable, disinterested, negative, sore, fatigued, and my mind is foggy.

So you can understand why it’s hard for me to be excited about my birthday when I am fat, alone, and menopausal. Yeah, happy birthday to me. [eye roll]

On the other hand, my uncle is visiting from Hawaii after 7 years, and it is great spending time with him and the having the whole family together. We have been doing lots of fun stuff, and enjoying those things with the fam has kept me from being a complete downer. Plus I know that my uncle is really enjoying spending time with us too. He is so warm and funny, and I have really loved hearing all of his stories about Hawaii and the people who live there. One more dinner tonight and then he’ll be gone again. Maybe we can go visit him there. Who doesn’t want to go to Hawaii?!?!

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