As I stand here
in the dark night
looking up at the bright full moon
thinking about myself, myself out there in the big world, and
Valentine’s Day love, loneliness, happiness,
As I stand here
in the dark night
looking up and smiling at the bright full moon,
I wonder if the man who someday will love me wholly and fully,
for all that I am,
is perhaps at this very moment
also standing in the dark night,
looking up and smiling at the bright full moon.
I haven’t fallen off the face of the earth. I am still alive, still fat, and still struggling. At the moment things are crazy at work, as they are every year at this time. It is 7 pm and I have just finished for the day. Like so many days recently, I wanted to go online and blog, but I am so tired and so bleary eyed I don’t. This time however, I did it. I feel better already.
Weight Watchers combined with my sessions with Margaret were working great until I had some emotional anxiety and (easily) went back to my old ways. I am still losing, but I really haven’t made any strides in my progress in about a month.
My emotional anxiety was the loss of my kitty. He had lymphoma for about a year, and his care has been time-consuming and stressful but totally worth it because he was able to stay around so long. Finally though, he was not himself anymore and I had to make the tough decision to end his suffering. It wasn’t easy, he was my snuggle-buggle. He was a great cat. He would sit at the window and watch for me in the parking lot, and when I came through the front door, he was always right there and happy to see me. He let me hug and kiss on him, and was always ready to take a nap on my lap. I really miss his furry little face.
The anxiety at work is also a trigger to resort to my old ways. I am trying very hard to keep up with my new healthier routines, but it is hard to rewrite 40 years of programming in just a few months. I am going to be fat again at our company’s annual event – I always use that time as a marker for my progress. I only hope I can pull together enough decent pieces of clothing to put together a professional wardrobe to last 6 days.
Over the last 7-8 months I have gained about 50 pounds. Even though my size has changed, my bras have not. I have been wearing the same bras and pushing them to their limits. Because I am pulling them so tight, and stretching them so far, the 2 vertical wires on each side have been poking me under the arms. And the wire under the cups is about to burst through the fabric and into my cleavage. They are so worn that when I washed 2 of the 4, they came out of the washer destroyed; wires poking every which way and fabric twisted like crepe paper streamers. So I bit the bullet and bought 2 new ones.
I went to Lane Bryant. They have great bras, I especially like the Full Coverage Satin bra – great coverage, support, comfort, and overall look under clothes. But my god, the size. I had to get a 46F. Holy crap. That is ridiculous, cartoonish. I don’t even look like a woman any longer – more like a Macy’s parade float. Blah!
I’m having my first craving since Margaret told me to write about it, so I’m writing. I have had a full day’s worth of delicious, nutritious foods. I just finished a wonderful homemade steak dinner consisting of a pan seared New York strip, sautéed spinach, sautéed mushrooms and onions, and a baked sweet potato. Yummy! Plus I had the pleasure of enjoying it with my sister, but now she’s gone, its 8:30 and I am wanting to stuff my face.
The physical manifestation of this craving is a feeling of a need to fill my mouth with food. Something like a sandwich with bread and meat – protein & a squishy carb. Or maybe cheesy fries or Pepperidge Farm cookies. I feel like I need the fullness, the texture, and the flavors in my mouth and I also have the sensation at the top of my stomach of not being totally full right now. I am satisfied but I’m not stuffed. I’m used to being stuffed. The stuffed feeling usually comforts me.
So I’m wondering if Margaret was right when she told me that if I can identify the physical manifestations of my craving, I would be able to stop it from becoming my compulsive eating action. Instead of having a craving leaving, struggling between what I want and what I know I should do, tormenting myself, finally giving in and eating, then felling guilty and wondering what the hell happened – again; instead I can feel the craving, identify that feeling, halt the pattern and move forward.
At this moment I still feel the sensation, though I believe it has subsided and now I feel like if I have a big glass of water and half of a diet soda I will be satisfied. Also, I need to brush my teeth – that is a tactic for stifling cravings. We’ll see if these tactics indeed work. Update tomorrow, stay tuned. Same bat time same bat channel.
I met with Margaret last night. I always have a fear that our meeting will be a waste of her time and mine, but each session I learn something new about myself, find a new perspective, or gain a new tool for my arsenal in the fight against compulsive eating.
This week we talked about what I learned from my writing exercise. And while Margaret acknowledged that I learned some things about my motivation, what she would like me to do now is to continue writing and this time focus on how the struggle between my impulse to indulge and my desire to be healthy makes me feel. What kind of physical reaction do I have to this inner turmoil? And then deal with that.
The other thing that came up was my total fear of confronting the uncontrollable desires when they arise. Margaret suggested that I plan for those and simply incorporate the impulse, and the plan to work through it, into my total routine. Of course. It sounds so obvious when I hear it. Just like in my work. When I have a conference, I plan for what I will do when someone misses the bus to golf, or someone forgets their information packet, or the boxes don’t get delivered. I have a contingency plan already in place to ensure that the show will go on, no matter what happens. So I just need to do the same thing with my eating plan. When trouble arrises, and it always does, I will have a contingency plan in place to deal with it effectively. Instead of what I do now, which is freak out, panic, binge, and give up.
I would prefer to forge on with momentum, instead of plodding along with all of these fits and starts.
It’s after 5, I’m alone in the building, all the lights are out except for my office and the kitchen. Now’s my chance.
Somehow it feels better to take food when no one can see me eating it. Sneaking food has been a thing with me since I was a kid. Which is a bit silly, because it doesn’t matter to my hips who sees and who doesn’t. Ultimately the calories just end up on my waistline. And yet, everytime I am alone with food, I have the thought “Ooh, what can I have?”
Just more twisted thinking from this pretzel of a girl.
- writing 3 of 3, Why I Eat.
Here we go with my second of three writings. Why do I want the ice cream? Well it would be a nice end to my day. It’s a way to end the day on pleasant note. I enjoy the pleasure it brings to my senses. It’s a treat for me that smells good, and it’s got that mint flavor with the chocolate bite, in a smooth creamy texture that is cold in my mouth, and then melts down my throat. I like that feeling. That feeling is the reason I want the ice cream. It will taste good, it will please me, it’s my treat to myself. I want to give myself just a bit of pleasure. I want to enjoy the indulgance.I know I shouldn’t have it, but I want it. When I think about my goals for health weight loss and my future, the choice of ice cream does not fit in, but I rationalize it by telling myself that I can start my diet tomorrow. What is one more day? I’ll eat this, and I’ll enjoy this, and then it’ll be enough. Tomorrow I can start the diet and I won’t miss all the pleasures because I’ll have had it. So even though I won’t be having it as of tomorrow when I start the diet, that’s okay cause I’ve already had it. But then tomorrow comes and there’s one more pleasure to be had and I want that one too and so I put it off the diet for one more day until tomorrow. Now its been 30 years of tomorrows that led me to this ridiculous weight of 304 pounds and even though I know that’s what I have thought before, I keep making the same wrong decisions, and I wonder if it’s related to my other poor choice.s I have let myself go in so many ways, not just my weight but my wardrobe and my hair, and my skin. I think my wardrobe is terrible. If you were casting the role in a sitcom of the mom who gave up it would be me – with my pull on pants and my cotton tops. My hair is terrible, all scraggly and long and just hanging there. My skin is okay but I’m not taking is good care of it as I could. I think about buying better clothes but what’s the point I’m not going to look any better in them. That not false modesty. It doesn’t matter how much money I spend, clothes don’t fit right because my body is so out of proportion. My stomach sticks out further than my bust and so no top or dress or skirt is going to fit me properly and look right. So I’ll look worse. At least now I know I’m just wearing old lady clothes and I look kinda blah, nothing noteworthy. But if I buy these great clothes and still look like shit, well now I look even worse because now I look like I’m trying and failing, and that’s worse. Same with my hair; how am I going to put a great hair style on top of this body. It will be so incongruous it would be ridiculous and I don’t want to be ridiculous. So it’s a sort of self-fulfilling downward spiral prophecy I eat more to bring myself some pleasure but that makes me look worse in feel worse which makes me eat more and there we go. So I don’t know if I’m doing it because I feel like I don’t deserve better or I don’t believe I can achieve better. Maybe you need to start visualizing like the Olympians; imagining myself succeeding, imagining myself making healthy food choices, and losing weight and then doing all the things I say I like to do – like go out dancing and go bowling. It would be nice not to be so uncomfortable all the time.