Burning Desire

Last night, while shopping for a nutritious dinner, I was tempted into the holiday treats isle at my local grocery store. I can’t prove it, but I know El Diablo was there and it was he who turned my head so that my eyes could catch a glimpse of that peppermint candy that I love, the one which is only available this time of year (white chocolate with candy cane bits). I grabbed a bag and put it in the front of my cart. Then I plucked it out and put it back on the shelf, stood there for a moment, snatched it back and tossed in the bottom of the basket with the fruits and veggies. Eager to taste my annual temptation, I opened the bag and ate one on the way home; it was gone in an instant. By the time I got home, made a phone call, and had dinner it was 8 and I was ready for more candy.

The individually wrapped treats were disappearing faster than Black Friday deals at Walmart, while candy wrappers piled higher and higher on the coffee table. I closed the bag to stop myself from plowing through, but minutes later, I found my hand diving in to retrieve more yummy goodness. Sometimes I bit them and chewed them vigorously, sometimes I let them slowly melt on my warm tongue, all the while consuming at a tremendous pace. Finally, feeling a little uneasy in my tummy, I closed the bag for good and put the few remaining pieces in the pantry. I hopped in the shower, put on my PJs, and plunked in front of the TV. “Hmm… I think I may have eaten too many of those candies. My tummy feels funny.” 

Well, let me tell you, the rest of the night was far from funny. I got into bed at 10:30 and woke up around midnight with the most horrible taste in my mouth and burning in my throat. Apparently the overdose of candy had caused a massive attack of acid reflux. Oh my goodness, the burning in the throat and esophagus was brutal. Even now, 15 hours later, my tummy is still full of acid. When will I learn?

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Why?

Why must there be so many holiday treats?!?!?!?!

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In This Place

Today I am in a mood. I woke up feeling okay, I came to work and had conversations with both of the other 2 ladies in my small office. Those interactions are what instigated my bad mood. I am feeling envious, bitter, hostile, and judgemental. While I have made the choice not to pursue a friendship outside of work with either of them, when I found out they have been spending so much time together doing fun stuff it pissed me off anyway.

Half of that is the typical stuff of “why not me?”. I always blame my weight. I think they didn’t want me with them to go dress shopping and get manicures because who wants to have a fun-with-fashion outing with a fat girl. But the truth is, I haven’t opened myself to their invitations, yet it still upsets me. I guess I’m jealous that they are out there having fun and I’m not. I can’t go dress shopping with my friends, or go to the beach in my bikini, or buy “statement” shoes. I hate that I can’t.

The other half of me though is a little put off by their blasé attitudes towards their lives. One woman is having breast cancer surgery next week (thankfully the doctor thinks the both small tumors are pre-cancerous, and not cancer), and the other threw her husband out of the house on Thursday. I don’t get it. If my life was falling apart around my ears, I wouldn’t be going around as though nothing was wrong. Especially the gal who threw her husband out. She did it Thursday morning and then came to work beside herself with … well, mostly anger at him for not being a better husband. Then Friday night she went to happy hour with girlfriends and Saturday was beauty day and dress shopping. Uh, who was home explaining to the 2 kids, where their “new” daddy has gone.

Last week, both ladies were speaking with me (separately) with such concern for their lives over the next few weeks. What will happen? How will I get through? And now, Oh, look at the dress I got for the benefit dinner (showing me a photo on her phone). She went on and on about the dress, and when I asked “how are the kids?” she was like “fine”. Okay, maybe the whole situation isn’t as catastrophic as I thought. I guess it’s no big deal. The other woman was concerned about all the time she would be missing because of her surgery and didn’t know how she could possibly get done all of the work in the office that only she can do. Oh, hey, I don’t know … how about working on Saturday instead of dress shopping. If you think you are going to miss 2 weeks of work and want get something done, then come in and do it. I’m not saying she has to come in, but don’t complain to me that you are so worried that you can’t even sleep, and then behave as if it’s no biggie.

Mostly I am jealous, of them, of everyone who is doing what they want and feeling great while I linger in pity and waste. Ug. I was thinking over the weekend that I used to have a lot of single girl friends to do things with but now, most of them are in relationships and I feel left on the sidelines.

My head is not in a good place.

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All Night Long

I hate being old. I used to be able to sleep anytime anywhere; now a Pepsi in the afternoon and I’m up all night

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Fast Food

Yesterday I ate fast food. McDonalds for breakfast and Arbys for dinner. First of all … yuk! Secondly, what was I thinking? I was lazy and tired and did not take time to prepare my meals. Today I am back on track: scrambled eggs and an orange for breakfast, and chicken with rice and broccoli for lunch. Much better.

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Deal With It

Feeling lost and desperate. Attempting to get back on track after a 2 month free for all. Feeling lots of stress at work – things are bad. Plus adding unnecessary stress to my life in dealing with my redecorating, holiday planning, and trying to lose weight and find a date for an upcoming wedding. Every decision or obstacle becomes a huge stressor for me. I need to learn to deal with my life, without letting every little thing sending me over the edge. When I am stressed, I have trouble sleeping and I want to snack constantly – not good. So I am using a tool that Margaret gave me. Instead of making a list of things to do, or trying to remember everything (never gonna happen), put each task on a separate post it and stack them. That way, I only have to deal with one thing at a time and not let my mind get carried away with everything on my to do list. I did it last night for the first time and not only did it relieve my stress, I also got a lot done around the house instead of sitting around snacking in front of the tv all night. Win, win, win! I think I will try that again :-)

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Hello Darkness My Old Friend

As the time for my appointment with Margaret approached, I found myself becoming more and more anxious. Like a school child waiting to be called to the principal’s office, each passing minute brought more dread. I didn’t want to see her, I haven’t been doing my (home)work. I felt like a loser. After all this time and hard work, at the first sign of stress – boom, I revert back to my old coping mechanisms.

I used to think that my bouts of success and failure with my diet were arbitrary, and out of my control. Now I realize they are a direct reaction to my environment, and right now I am feeling a lot of stress. This past month I have gained weight, had an argument with a coworker, shirked my duties at work, let my chores at home go undone, and found myself wanting to just lie in front of the TV and take a nap. That behavior sounds all too familiar. This retreat from responsibility and from life is my typical old way of dealing (or not dealing) with stress. I had gotten myself so worked up that by the time I sat down on Margaret’s sofa, I started crying.

I told her I didn’t want to come, I felt like a student showing up unprepared for class. I was totally falling back into my old habits. She said, “of course you are”. What!?!? But she was right. Faced with intense emotional stress, of course I reverted. This is the first time I have had real, intense stress and it was more than I wanted to deal with, so I shut down the way that I used to and retreated into my food and solitude. My eating has been out of control, focussing on my comfort foods, especially sugar and cheese. I’ve had so much cheese, I might start mooing. And where I used to eat lean meat, veggies, and fruit for a meal; now I eat cheese, bread, and candy. This eating is also causing me to feel sluggish. That combined with the desire to escape make me feel tired most of the time, which only makes good choices even harder. It is a downward spiral. I don’t know how to stop it. Wait, yes I do. I need to deal with the stress, not avoid it.

The stress is from two things: work and vacation. I know it sounds silly to say that my vacation is causing me stress, but the planning of it feels a little overwhelming sometimes. I will be gone for 9 days and in that time will stay at 5 different places, attend 3 live performances, and visit my childhood home. There were a lot of details to coordinate, and I am so afraid that I forgot something, or that I will forget to bring one of the tickets. I also worry that it will be colder than I expect and that I’ll freeze in the clothes that I have brought. And what if I forget my passport? Ah, it’s too much. My heart is racing even as I write this. I have to just calm down, and do all the things I need to ensure that I am prepared – and I have. Really, there shouldn’t be any problems, but the unknown always causes me concern.

The work stress is all too real. My industry is changing and my company is in a precarious position. If we don’t morph into what we need to be to survive, it’s entirely possible that I could be without a job in the next year. Now that is scary. The thought of having to go out and get another job is paralyzing. Do you know how hard it is for a 49 year old, fat woman, with a ton of experience to find work in this dinky little town? I don’t even want to imagine it. So again, I am doing all that I can to make things good here, and my boss has several irons in the fire. Besides, worrying won’t change anything.

So what can I do? I can continue to be the best me I can. I need to silence my critic, and my scared child voices, and let the patient thoughtful adult do all the talking in my head. She’s the only one that can bring calm to this storm. (deep breath) Positive Thoughts!

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